ANDAMAN SEA ROMANCE

The Lone Pines, Batu Ferringi

A message from Singapore that says “Meet me tomorrow at 7pm under the Pine trees.” An E ticket to Penang and a hotel reservation of The Lone Pines, for the weekend, was attached to the email. 

This guy knows how to push the buttons.  It could be anywhere in the world, but exotic Penang, the old world of British Colonial past and Malaysia’s future spells of this man’s Anglo appeal and the stuff of romance.

Passport, mobile, perfume, sexy negligee, all  quickly stuffed into my LV bag, and early on Friday afternoon, I called in “sick” and raced to the airport.  

The English may not be known for their delectable cuisine like the French over the Channel, nor known for their romance like their Latin cousins, the Italians over the Alps.   But their steely Daniel Craig persona, their ability to make hot naughty weekends classy, this weekend will also be charged with historical East Indian English adventures. No doubt my bedtime stories making a Scheherazade’s One Thousand and One nights, stuff of silly fairy tales.

Dinner by the sea

The rendezvous at 7pm sharp in Batu Ferringi.  The table set up on the beach beneath twinkling stars and the rush of Andaman waves set the scene.  My weekend gentleman was waiting for me at the beach, pulled the chair for me, and poured the wine.  

The Lone Pine is Batu Ferringhi’s luxury boutique hotel.   Tucked along Penang’s coastline, it had the old world effect with modern luxuries.  Tonight was reminiscent of British colonial days when a curry tiffin was accompanied by Indian waiters in white uniform.   Such was our waiter, we secretly called him “Piranah fish,” for his gum and teeth were in desperate need of dentistry work, couched his words with difficulty when explaining the menu.

The checkered table cloth had an envelop with two tickets to the old funicular railway up Penang Hill for tomorrow’s excursion.  Piranah brought the already ordered food, on his arm was three dishes,  Malaysian Fish curry, Sambal, Rice, Ayam Goreng, a plateful of assorted Sate.   The best was Botok Botok served last.   It is steamed banana leaf parcels of seasoned fish and shredded herbs, just heavenly.

Wooing me with my favorite dessert, there was nothing more than to capitulate on bended knees.   Sagu Gula Melaka, (sagu set as a pudding and drizzled with thickened coconut milk and gula Melaka syrup).   

The night was still young and a nightcap by the pool ended the evening, or rather began our evening with colonial tales to delight me into slumber.

Georgetown, Penang’s city viewed from the Hill, has an incredible panoramic sight having chugged up along the funicular railway.  One of the oldest British Hill station in SE Asia, the funicular railway track is the longest and steepest in Asia and only took us 10 minutes.  As we climbed higher, the lush greenery was evidence to the richness of the country.

English Tea at David Brown

Afternoon tea at Strawberry Hill in David Brown’s restaurant  sealed the deal. I sat down to Ceylon tea, Devonshire creamed scones with strawberry jam. Picturesque scenes of BBC period dramas becoming more real as I delicately bite into a cucumber sandwich.  Newly laundered linen napkins, the smell of freshly mowed garden, sipping Black tea with a dash of milk; time marked by elegant and civilized conversation.  Unknowingly sunset crept upon us as Georgetown’s twinkling lights below suggested it was time for my Pink Gin and his Gin & Tonic, and seemingly settling into the evening with ease.

A rich mix of ethnicities brought together by colonial British trading allowing Indian, Malay, Chinese Thai and Arab communities to live side by side and taste each other’s food makes for a richer culture.   I could easily have been taken on a time travel machine, having turned off my Iphone, there were no suggestion of today's modern ability to be in touch with anyone, anywhere.  My social network apps  took a much needed weekend off.

Lazy Sunday morning by the pool, our Penang odyssey coming to an end;  he back to his conference in Singapore, me returning to my office publicist cubby hole, the weekend of  Malacca spice and vice will be peppered with reality of office politics to financial quarterly spread sheets – the utter boredom of  the mundane.

Our last day of adventure beginning at sundown, the 1.5 Kilometer walk on the street food along Gurney Drive, by Georgetown’s northern end added another dimension of Penang life.  Packed with dozens of food stall, we walked, we ordered, we stopped to eat, and repeated this many times over.  Noodles, rice dishes, curries, sate’s, puddings.  I teetered on gluttony, the eyes and the smell savouring what was on offer, but the stomach said enough.  It was finally time to take the hotel’s ride back.

In a melting pot of Asia’s best;  “Malaysia Truly Asia”  is true to its slogan, a unique home to Asian cultures.  The Pine trees will always bring me back.  

Until the next long weekend   -     Sehingga kita bertemu lagi.

WHAT A RIDE

You know when you have arrived: its not hobnobbing with Hollywood’s elites, its not yachting with the Monegasques, it really begins with when you possess a Mercedes Benz.  The Ferraris, the yachts, and the jets are just extended baubles.   The  Benz becomes the definitive possession that says it all, from any corner of the globe.  

Once upon a time that definition in life expressed the status to which I belonged.  Keen to pick up the order, placed in SE Asia, from its source in Sindelfingen and drive back through Europe, much thought went into process.

The flight from Manchester to Stuttgart – in the autumnal season with rain made the flight slightly bumpy but filled with excitement having fully paid up for my new “legs”. 

 

Awaiting cleanup before delivery

Mercedes Benz VVIP treatment for me exceeded expectation.   Picked up at airport and delivered to the Mercure hotel right next to the plant.  German evening meal totally filled up the tank for at least a week.  

Pick up time:  The maroon CLS 55 AMG shining through its polish, smelling of new leather. Some perfumery company should bottle that smell, a puff or two when it wears off would bring back its spanking new feel. It stood in the  showroom like The Emporer in his throne hall, and he already had a nickname.    It maybe over stating the fact, but believe me, every penny, every pound of hard work was invested in this machinery.  It said everything you wanted to say about yourself.   Yes, my first touch of wealth – and now with a few signature I was ready to take it for a spin. 

GPS on, check.  Input destination, check.   Mirror adjustment, check.  Familiarize  with the instruments, check.  Press the button and it glides out the plant. 

Sindelfingen a short distance from Stuttgart, we circled on the outskirts of the town through the Autobahn with ease.  The steering wheel on the right did give a few blind spots but the car was going to be used on the English Motorway where they drive on the correct side of the road.

Stuttgart

Destination the white cliffs of Dover via Ostend: At least 350 miles to go with my foot on the accelerator, it still took almost 8  hours of driving.  Entering Belgium,  the downpour got heavier, the outside looked hostile, and the night drawing in but the clock was only 4pm tea time.   Ostend’s Thermae Palace hotel promising sea view was shrouded in fog and rain, the thought of a swaying bouncing trip to Dover drove me to eat less for fear of upchucking in the sea.

Spanning this vast body of water, and tucked with a little knowledge of sailing, I suspected  the Beaufort Force was around 6.  The crest of white foam was high enough, the wind strong and breezy.   The trip will not be very pleasant for some of those that need Dramamine.  The insurance paper in case the car dropped into the sea put away for safety.   I was ready for any rolling and swaying.

As we neared Britain, the white cliffs of Dover became visible through the fog and rain and it was time to collect our cars preparing for docking.   Jumping in the car, the smell of newness, coupled with the excitement of first ownership of a cool car, the thought of a 6 hour drive from the South to the North of England was like a walk in the park. 

White Cliffs of Dover

First stop-off a little racing at Goodwood’s autumnal race event.   Hobnobbing with post Ascot revelers in the VIP section, my shiny new CLS55 stood proudly against the ageing Rolls.  The owner’s maturity matched the Silver Seraph.

Me and Wolfgang on the road

Bet on a horse, won and sped off into the night.  Just me and my “Wolfgang.”

SEXY SWELLINGS

THE SPANISH FLY

There were days when asking for a condom,  available only at the chemist was shaming, now the quiet whispers in the pharmacist’s ear  for Viagra or Cialis can prove to be mortifying if your neighbor is in the queue behind you.  Thank goodness for buying through websites, enabling the awkwardness to dissipate especially when delivered in a brown envelope.

None of these senseless humiliation need surface when we flit between continents to find out that the human condition is all centered on procreation.   From ancient Egypt to China, keeping virile was and still is very much a primeval force.

At the top of the list the Chinese are actually experts in acquiring different parts of the animal directly capable of prolonging strength for those declining in testosterone or the aged or plain and simple lusting for more.

A former boss, an Iranian diplomat, directed his driver to collect ginseng from China Town.  After Friday prayers, he downed this concoction with roots and all and disappeared, never to return to the office.    This Friday afternoon assignation continued for the duration of his 3 year term in Thailand, rejuvenated and refreshed the poor man returned to work Monday morning  with a spring in his step, and a twinkle in his eye. 

The concoction used to intrigue me so when one Friday morning arrived, I asked the driver to get an extra elixir for me.  Trying so hard to explain it is only for men, I assured him that I had a plan to seduce a man.   This was an earlier version of  Ginseng Powershots,  mixed with water, honey, the roots were soft to suck and chew on. 

PANX GINSENG

When it comes to men, however dubious the concoction, they are so ready to try even if the hairy roots strangle and obstruct the throat, all for the possibility of  going for as long as possible. Does it work?  Was it in the mind?  Lets say some men use Panax Ginseng on the skin as part of extrasensory sensation, he was as good as long as the Ginseng Panax stock was in supply; when it ran out, it was time for me to move on.

HORNY GOAT WEED
OR
EPIMEDIUM GRANDFLORUM

My travels have allowed me to peak at how others do it – who’s kidding who? -  as if we do things differently.  Common sense says the highest population in the world would have the answers to libido enhancers, so it is only natural to travel to China to explore this well known  Epimedium Granflorum  or more easy on the tongue “The Sexy Goat Weed.”  

FROM PHARMACY STORES

Epimedium grows all over and is picked wild. Only the leaves are plucked, never the roots. No chemicals are used on wild plants so it is clean and pure.

The Horny Goat Weed has estimated sales of over 100 tons per year declares itself as the reigning king of herbal sex enhancers.  Asking any Chinese expert will tell you it is very good for sex and that it will make you sexually strong..  

Should I or shouldn't I?   In a health food stores it comes in capsules, 500 mg of Horny Goat Weed per capsule with flavornoid icariin should be easy to swallow.   It has been around for more than 2000 years.  The reason?   Well let’s not be shy; all I can say is that it works.

Deer Penis in a Chinese pharmacy

Although no scientific proof supports their claims of libido enhancer, once consumed,  the deer penis and the tiger penis makes for cockfire sure treatment. With their similarity of an erect penis, antlers have long been sought as sexual stimulants in East Asia.  It was a popular tonic for Chinese emperors, with so many wives and concubines, they needed a helping hand.  The concoction is thinly sliced deer penis, soaking in strong alcohol for approximately two weeks.  Daily dose of  20 mil would be enough to boost testosterone and improve ……function.

Amazing how easy it is to persuade men.

Kangaroo balls have made it to the Chinese medicine cabinet.  Its commodities help to enhance sexual power on the theory that Kangaroos have a voracious sexual appetite, apparently it produces up to twice as much semen as a bull.  Ingesting these powdered balls brings about sexual energy.  Placebo?   Its cheap, kangaroos are not an endangered species, and the more disagreeable it is to swallow the more it should work?   My Chinese buddy Xing-Pao is hopping sure about it.

But lets turn our compass to the another of the world, perhaps
they have more enticing ways.

Johimbe  is found in Africa. Intrigued by its African sounding name, and anything African stimulates my imagination - never too late to try something new.  Let us say the long weekend of breakfast in bed, lunch in bed and dinner in bed was like Groundhog day for three days in  row.

Johimbe traditionally used for fever, coughs, leprosy, it apparently is a natural product to engage the blood flow for amorous swellings.  Yohimbe extract dilates blood vessels in your mojo for a harder, firmer and stronger love muscle.  Found in health food stores, it was quickly replaced by Viagra.     

Lord knows, we have known about Spanish Fly since I was a kid – and that was a long time ago. 

A dangerous substance Spanish fly produces irritation of the genitals and a resulting blood flow to the arear mimicking engorgement.  Cantaradin is extremely toxic when ingested so do be careful.   

There is rhyme and reason for looking at highly populated areas on the globe to find out who has the best sexual stimulants.  Look no further than the second highest population of the world  …….  India.

For India, there are many libido enhancers, from tiger’s urine to Lady's fingers or Okra.  It is a recommended food item that rejuvenates and turns on sexual desires. The spices and chillies in their curry spurs on the desire.  

They practice tantric sex for a reason. The point is to channel all the sexual energy that would normally leave during an orgasm, back into your body, it gives you so much energy. The Indians believe that tantra sexual experiences are sacred acts capable of elevating the participants to a higher spiritual plane activating the chakras.  Prolonging the act of love and utilizing powerful orgasmic energies back into the body.  

There is much need for ancient aphrosidiac from Spanish Fly to Viagra to achieve this level.   You only live once - just go for it.