ON CHILDREN

 

On Children

Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

 

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

 

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might

that His arrows may go swift and far.

 

Family dynamics in pursuing the wisdom of Gibran can be observed in all class divisions. All time scale, All nationalities.    So here goes my fairytale story.

 

Once a upon a time, in the city of the haves and the have-nots, the adornments to carry the man’s achievements, rested in the sparkles radiated from his wife.  As the goal post stretched further, the sparkles dimmed against his long-awaited membership into society’s pinnacle association, belonging to a prestigious Club, for his wife and growing family.  They have arrived.

 

From nappy onwards, the son treats the club like a second home, competed and befriended his generation’s playmates.  Joining-in as his age allowed, from swim team to tennis, gym room to the golf course, along the way, his membership was not his fight, as was his father’s, and his acceptance in society unquestioned.  

 

This was just one slice of the man that his father groomed.  The family business grows as the son takes over, his choice of life partner, if smart, was picked during his leisure time at the club uniting his empire with another.  The other slice was the morals he picked up along the way; his golf bets, hidden business deals, horse racing wins. Or the eye-candy, put there for his weakness to unveil.

 

Fast forward time and the next generation takes over.  The grandson now elbows his way into an international arena of global aspirations. With three linguistic skills, he realizes the torment of wanting his own choices, was far from the family’s successful business, yet constantly reminded of family loyalty and the continuation of grandfather’s empire. In the beginning, the fight wrestled softly, and as it grew into a ringside match; the make or break was how to win the monetary gain.

 

 

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams

 

 

This is where Gibran shows how the human species, in their collective persona from the days of Adam & Eve, desperately wanted the mini-me at all costs to continue their own dreams and success. Yet the mini-me, disdainful at the explanation of what was given up for his benefit, chose to enlighten them that his birth was not a heavenly bequeathment from God but of his parents’ rare moments of sexual activity hit the proverbial target; 40 million to one that produced him.

 

 

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, 

For they have their own thoughts 

 

 

This fairy story has many different endings to choose, from a collection of present and past history, picked at random, The Biden’s, the Kennedy’s, and the Trump's; or  the Pahlavi’s, the Windsor’s and they all had to contend to the Archer’s pull.

 

“They always say the first generation makes it,

  the second consolidates,

 and the third loses”

 

 

The remedy to this continuous circle?  Fairytale answers that cover overall parental inadequacies.

 

For your boy:

If he's naturally left-handed, keep him that way.  Let him cope with the difficulties of a left-handed life in a right-handed world. It's nature’s gift and his to correct – or not.    

 

For your girl:

Let her boisterousness command stage presence, instead of lady like manners required of little girls, be her mark of excellence.

 

For the confused: 

Allow the gender preference when it is evident and accepted by everyone.

 

As fairytale goes:  it ends with grandmothers, whose wisdom shines above all others, seen lunching and gossiping at a fancy restaurant, discussing their unsaid disapproval of today’s child rearing through IG ‘influencers’.  If only snippets of the grandmother’s conversation were overheard, humorous sketches could be sold to stand-up comedians thus generating funds for their continued luxurious luncheons forever.  A befitting end to the fairytale.

 

Generational gaps widen even more through advancement in IT technology and values created from it. Perhaps it is the hardest job, the worry ends only when life stops. We can only hope to guide, to make sure that the arrow goes to where the target was planned, but then parental guidance has its timeline and limitations.

 

As I sit in my imaginary rocking chair, contemplating mistakes made, the pride that overcomes it all, is LOVE, and with a tiny chuckle:

 

Been there, done that.

Salute with a cold Chardonnay 

Gibran would approve.