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Saturday, July 22, 2023

LIFE


 Life is but a particle of dust suspended in a sunbeam.  *Carl Sagan



 

Some treat it with reverence, most neglect to care.  Programmed to procreate, the practice makes it unquestionably enjoyable. The product, a replica of a better self is the trophy.  A masterful way to reduce our failings, is by giving a second chance to redo it again with our trophy offspring. 

 

And then we mess up. 

 

Any kind of control over another human, in perfecting our failings, results in a complete break-down.   Often repeated throughout history, oppression only perpetuates chaos, causes deep suffering sometimes resulting in the oppressed becoming the oppressor and so the cycle continues. 

 

Pick any continent from the blue planet seen from the galaxy; the green terrain of forest jungle pitted against stretches of dry empty desert interspersed with huge areas of sapphire-blue demarcations has infinite beauty.  The envy from other galaxy passerby’s, plus mankind’s pride of belonging, gives no indications of borders, race, linguistics, nations, religions. Yet humanity can easily be destroyed by nationalism, ideology, and skin color. These are our hidden personality traits.

  

“We’re born into a losing struggle”. * Christopher Hitchens

For many people born less fortunate, they are born into an even worse losing struggle.

 

I often wondered why we were created with horrendous flaws, only to realize that our only salvation was to be controlled by an imagined higher order, setting rules and guidelines to follow, in order to be an exemplary human.  It bears a huge question mark on what misogynous creator, that without the rules, homo sapiens are reduced to being a voracious animal, killing, taking over territory, oppressing the lower orders, and then satisfying their appetites on the spoils of war?   

 

Time has changed nothing:  

Intellectual evolution fell short.

Inventions propagated laziness.

 

And yet we beg for democracy. Justified in anger that controllers deny equality. Not realizing that we are born unequal with varying degrees of imperfections.  Leaders become grazed by body and soul wounds, in fighting over strength or deceit in order to win. 

 

Five thousand years of Ancient history of Egyptian, Roman and Greek empires are read and philosophized for successes and failures of the past in order to lead future modern civilization, paralleled with several science inventions in the last 200 years to a better life. It has unfortunately not led us far; we still fight, use dirty tricks to destroy evidence of deceit, falsify and lie until it becomes a natural personality trait, that requires a psychologist or body language expert to detect.  

 

The list of achievements to balance our failures has many "yets". Geniuses are born to propel us into space, yet still on the first gear of speed. Artificial intelligence on the brink of daily usage yet questionable on it attributes. Mountaineering to the highest point on earth and submarining to the bottom of the ocean are  applauded for pioneer and human strength yet the legacy remains with many frozen climbers left as statues; and those imploded at the ocean bottom.  We have excelled in the human evolution to extend our lifespan with advanced medical knowledge, yet remain careless to treating it with reverence.     

 

 

And we still lie, cheat, kill, destroy, and invade.  Nothing more than the dust suspended in a sunbeam.      

 

       IF THIS IS YOUR LAST DAY ON EARTH

 

 

 

 

Saturday, July 15, 2023

THE PULSE OF WHO YOU ARE

 



The Pulse of Who you Are.

 

 

The phenomenon of globalization has impacted on civilization with a new race where one person can possess four different mixes, a combination from both bi-racial parents. While chromosomes blend, the now diluted dominant genes tend to divide itself equally, producing a new strain, ethnically indeterminant with characteristics that form a spectacular cocktail of personalities.  As the person emerges, lost in finding the home to their inner pulse, anxious of other’s perception of themselves: the urgency of belonging surfaces, depending which country they are residing when questions are asked.   Skidding to the front arises a protected amour, answering to an innocent question, “Where is home for you?”. 

 

“I’m a global citizen,”    Clearly the arrogant projection protects the vulnerable hidden façade.  In just 4 words, it establishes that home is everywhere, clocking airmiles, multi-lingual, with worldwide connections, the implication of a privileged life. A quick fix to hide behind the insecurity of not belonging proceeds to pick from a multi-identity hat, to save the moment.

 

To belong is a human core of tribalism, unfortunately this new ethnicity, small in number to employ ethnic group loyalty.   Double bi-racial is judged internally, almost always lead to superiority and can contribute to social division and conflict.

 

Then there is the exquisite blend of East meets West, an upcountry bi-racial man where his pointed nose, fair hairy skin, basketball height, stands out amongst his Asian village compatriots, where this small ethnic group loyalty are few  “Where is home for you?” 

 

“From this seaside village,” says he humbly, yet unsure. The inner pulse of insecurity, uncomfortable embarrassment projects the absentee father’s folly years ago.  The impossibility of pretense gives way to agents knocking on the door, promising stardom on the next upcoming TV production. Purely a stroke of luck from the father’s genes of stunning combination with his Asian mother with little acting talent. That can be arranged assures the agent.   His village horizon broadens as he moves to the city hopefully erasing the inner rejection left by one man’s self-gratification, and using the enviable gene pool to save his dignity by inventing himself on screen.

 

Tackling the LGBTQ or the non-gender movement, or the gender transition; “the pulse of who you are”  is not about gender definition, maybe they are the true definition of Global Citizen.  It has been thought that they embody two different souls.  

 

As it is true the sense of belonging is with all of us.  Cave dwellers had to distinguish between clansmen as survival depended on staying alive.  So who would casually choose a lifestyle inflicted by nature given the likelihood of such rejection and hatred.

 

Long ago in a hospital in Honolulu where my newly born bi-racial son flew an eight-hour flight from Guam to undergo a heart repair at two weeks old, shared an ICU room with another baby having undergone one of the many operations to fix and repair what is medically known as Ambiguous Genitalia.  It is a rare condition in which the baby’s external genitals do not appear to be clearly male or female.

 

In my anxiety of parental decisions for the survival of my son, born with a dysfunctional heart valve, a far bigger issue in my comparison. You die without a heart was my reasoning, you don't die without genitalia.   How ignorant and uninformed I was at that immature age, scared to the core of losing my son.  Yet Susan and I comforted each other as mothers do, while anxiously waiting  in the recovery room after the operation, the true burden of motherhood, etched on our face.  Forty-two years later, my son, happily married to his Thai wife, pursuing a great career, I often think of what has become of the un-named baby, now also forty-two to ask, “Where is home for him/her?”

 

Ask yourself “The pulse of who you are” at this very moment. It is a challenge to explore your darkest spirit and your luminous soul.  I took a moment to do similar, stripped off all vanity and can say I am comfortable with my truth.

 

 

 

 

 


 

Thursday, June 22, 2023

GOD



And the Lesser Mortals

 

This might and probably will step on all faith believers of the almighty.   My humble apologies to all readers, the next few pages are thoughts collected from years of rubbing shoulders with good and evil, looking for spiritual guidance, sometimes receiving it by way of praying and withheld by explanations on karma, reincarnation, whichever fits that particular incident. Unfollow my blog if I have over-stepped on those sacred boundaries, and by way of explanation, it is a privilege that my life’s journey allowed such freedom to enter and exit beliefs as I moved countries.

 

Theravada Buddhism and Christianity were a daily feature, building the foundation of the first seven years of my childhood. At home, the Buddha room had many forms of Buddha relics in all positions, leaning, standing, sitting. Small urns held grandfather’s and grandmothers’ ashes; their powerful spirit forever ruled over us.   The location was London, England.

 

The school I attended worshipped Protestant Christianity.  Morning rituals at school were reciting the Lord's prayer and reading and interpreting the scriptures.  It was only natural to compare the two faiths.  First, the two Gods were male. Their prophets, again men, were instructors to strictly uphold governing rules.  Nuns had not arrived in my life at that point.  Both faiths used candles and lighted incense sticks, holy water from some region of the world and deity replicas placed for worshipping. Daily prayers aided by the incense smoke connects the earthly world to the universal power, often competing with the kitchen’s culinary aroma.

 

One faith seemingly more devout than the other.  I often wondered if the two Gods ever drank heavenly beer together, up there, somewhere.  It was only a matter of time I couldn’t help but saw the funny side of faith, and later its strength.   I learnt Nammo ta-sa, having mumbled while father prayed   Clasping hands was prayers when you wanted something to work in your favor.  So, I figured if one God didn't help the other one would. Their prophets wore different uniforms, one wore floor-length black cloak the other wore saffron yellow robes. The yellow robe  could not touch women, must remain celibate, for desire, prevents the goal of reaching Nirvana.  The black cloak was able to marry, the result of Henry VIII’s defiance of Catholicism’s no divorce rule – two opposing beliefs on sex and procreation; which one held the balance in my adolescent mind? 

 

Entering teenage years, we crossed continent, and I attended a Catholic school, The Convent of Jesus and Mary. Early morning Catechism class taught by strict nuns, finally women entered the game,  and started the ritual of holy water blessing, dotting an imaginary cross over our heads in the land of ……… 

 

Allah.

 

 I had discovered a third God, the God of Islam. The Location was Karachi, Pakistan.

 

The bible was read every day. But on Friday afternoons, schools and offices closed so that the whole nation stopped to pray Allahu Akbar from Mosques, heard throughout the city via loudspeakers.   From the Buddha room, Nammo-ta-sa could not quite compete that audio level.  The ten commandments plus Buddha’s five precepts, was turning my rebellious volume higher.  Tempted to adjust my record player to the Beatle’s latest hit single, “I wanna hold your hand” to drown it all out, then decided, fighting three gods could prove disastrous. 

 

Allah must have heard my dilemma and sent a friend to enlighten me in the form of a classmate, Benazir Bhutto, a politician’s daughter, later became Pakistan’s first woman Prime Minister.  She came from a Sunni family with an Iranian mother who was a Muslim Shia.   We were both 12; intellectually ahead of everyone, she was always bored.  By choosing me, a visitor to her country, no threat to rejection, she unloaded what was pushed down her throat in educating me about Islam.  I listened intently only because in my confused mind; if the Christian God were saying no to my prayers and Buddha was adamant that it is my Karma, then maybe I have a chance with Allah.  They pray five times a day against my father’s three.  

 

Allah is the one true God of Islam, worshipped by all Muslims.   Followers of the prophet Muhammad accepted Allah’s teachings by calling themselves Sunnis.  The opposing side wanted Muhammad’s successor to be in direct bloodline, so they differentiated themselves as Shiite’s.  I only realized Benazir saw herself as a Shiite through her mother, but to be popular with the people she pretended she was her father, Zulfikar Bhutto’s daughter, a Sunni.  Because of Benazir’s assassination in Islamabad, Pakistan in 2007 by a suicide bomber, I fight on her behalf when remarks come from anti-Islam sentiments of their government’s propaganda, putting the  blame on Islamic fundamentalist;  I helped the uneducated to see the theories Benazir hammered home to me when our schoolmates were playing ‘pass the parcel’ waiting for the birthday cake to appear so she could go home.   

 

Benazir always reminded me,  “Prophets are not God, they are men in uniform, to bow to, and pray to, differentiating them from other mortals”.  Absorbing all this knowledge at 14, quirky I was not. It was a by-product of adjusting to each country move.  To be amongst different faiths, allowed me to join, learn, follow, but not commit, was a gift beyond gifts.  

 

Not allowed to be left on my own in Karachi, Tehran brought a new awareness to my 15th year on this earth. The trips were short but too long to be out of school, so a retired tutor, Professor Darius was hired, his nephew Parviz, was his designated chauffeur.  While waiting for the lessons to finish, the Aryan Indo-European Parviz saw a gap, and successfully secured my undivided attention.

 

The professor’s teachings increasingly became dull, while Parviz’s compelling story of how Parsi’s, followers of Zoroastrianism believed in excarnation. That sounded more exotic than trigonometry.  This was my introduction to Zoroastrianism, and the opposite sex. 

 

Zoroastrianism is one of the world’s oldest faiths going back 3,500 years.  I learnt about their faith, not through scriptures or prayers, but by attending different important life rituals. 

 

Excarnation, a new vocabulary for me, Parviz explained, that the Tower of Silence, only four kilometers north of us, near the Alborz mountains, built on high ground, was a circular raised structure, for exposing human corpses for decomposition to be eaten up by vultures, was their funeral practice.  Fascination of both the Aryan and the macabre ritual, I accepted a date to attend a Parsi funeral. 




The sight and sound of vultures swirling above, as the mourned family pushed their grandmother’s body over wooden stilts and quickly began to shut the tower door. An immediate gathering of vultures fighting and snatching their turn in swooping their wings down to pick on fingers and toes.  Those few minutes of monotone prayers imprinted a savage memory of animalistic hissing, fluttering wings, the intestinal ligature ripped fiercely by one voracious bird, that attempted to fly but the dangling heavy cord was too long.  Standing at the bottom of the mount, only the sound captured the ferocity.  

 

Having witnessed the end of a Zoroastrian’s life, I was privileged to attend my best friends’ new beginnings; Tilat’s Navjote, and her acceptance into the faith, with Parviz along to explain the rituals.  

 

Navjote is equivalent to the baptism ritual. In the ceremony, Sudrah, a white muslin vest, worn as prayers are said as acceptance into the faith. Sewn into the vest is a small pocket symbolizing a keeper of good deeds.  It is a reminder before accusing others of their unethical behavior, to look inside the symbolic pocket if you have the standing with which to make such a moral judgement. A cord called Kusti, made from72 threads of lamb’s wool tied three times around the waist over the Sudrah, a symbolism of binding commitment to be worn for life. That ceremony struck a chord, locked away, as I humbly retrieve it today when judgement is called upon.   

 

It also struck another chord as Parviz teased if I ever needed to touch an extension of God, I need only to caress his Kusti. He tried. It was a clever move by the boy/man; it was also enticing; but he did not realize that the titillation had an attachment to the Almighty’s decision to strike that very basic human need committed in desire.  So obviously Buddha’s teaching surfaced naturally when needed. 

 

Zoroastrianism faith worships fire and water, in ancient times, and it stands in today, unrefutably two very important, yet simple requirements in sustaining life. I immediately wanted my modern world of John Lennon back, and so Parviz, in his borrowed tight jeans and T-shirt changed back to the Jamal Kameez that his body and soul fitted more comfortably.  

 

Famous Zoroastrian singer Freddie Mercury, from the band Queen, always wore white on stage, symbolic of his faith.  If the outfit left his upper half naked, he continued to wear his Kusti, unseen, well below his trouser belt.   Bohemian Rhapsody, a global smash hit in 1975 was up a ladder or two from John Lennon. 

 

Back to my nomadic life.  No school nor tutors, for this move was sporadic and short.   Mesopotamia and all its history of ancient beliefs unfolded at the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, where visiting the ancient site in extreme dry heat, led the need for sugar.  The young Prime Minister Al-Naif of Iraq noticed the SE Asian diplomatic group was about to faint, instantly ordered pomegranate juice and dates; to his staff, and a young Baha’i lady called Tahira, saved the day and became my life-long friend, sustained through the years until 2008 ended in tragedy as she tried after many attempts to escape the tyranny of the Islamic fundamentalists.  She was shot as she reached the border.  Which border I never found out as all her legit and non-legit email addresses were shut down.   What she did leave behind was our constant exchange of the differences between the Baha’i faith vs Buddhism, in good humor determining which one belief was nearer to the Almighty.  Sometimes she won, sometimes I did.  Eventually the memory of our deep friendship through my atheism and her unwavering belief was put into an imaginary cupboard to store my anguish of her departure.     

 

Until…..

 

A magical connection took place in Singapore over lunch, and subsequently through her many introductions, my Persian episodic memories were brought back that had been locked away for so long.  Conversations of a favorite dish called Fesenjan, simply a chicken stew with pomegranates, and to die for, the Rose flavored Lukhum, led me to look for a Baha’i community in this corner of Thailand to re-generate what I considered flourished my personality. Comparisons are always judged; but how does progress continue its achievement without comparison.  

 

My good fortune led me to meet the Representative of the Baha’i Community who unknowingly reconnected my broken thread of Baha’i knowledge with Tahira.  In order to bring those wonderful memories out of the cupboard, and not blindly follow, I challenged the Representative with complicated and absurd questions; everything from birth to death rituals, even how to convince a Scientologist to the wisdom of Baha’u’llah.  Her patience and thoughtful answers to the ten questions made me humble, allowed my invested interest to learn further from the books she brought for me to understand.    My maturity saw all those teenage questions that lingered, at that time, came from a vision of clear horizon, untainted by life’s bumpy road.  Now with age comes wisdom through mistakes that grew into an intellectual insight, I came away with unequivocable truth that the Baha’i heart is pure, unadulterated with unlimited capacity of love through humanitarian service.

 

Different periods of human evolution, The One God brings teachings to Jesus Christ, Krishna, Moses,  Zoroaster,  Muhammed, Buddha, Baha’u’llah  for that period of humanity to carry forward the on-going, ever-advancing civilization.

Forward thinking in this modern world of fast paced, hard to keep-up ongoing change, is truly an understanding of time scale, vision and acceptance. 


To be a Baha'i is to be of service to humanity and mankind.  Baha'i is considered to be the second most widespread religion in the world as there are members in 236 unique countries and territories.   The Baha'i World Centre is in Haifa, Israel, and open to every human being regardless of race, religion and gender.  Having role-played as a Christian, a Catholic, a Buddhist, a Zoroastrian,  and a Muslim, the idea is not to convert but to declare, as the American actor Rainn Wilson says, "I'm a Christian and also a Baha'i".     

 

Baha’i faith likens a man and a woman to two wings of a bird, each essential and balance is crucial in order to fly.  It comes down to this essential core and progressive thinking quoted below: 

 

“The world of humanity is possessed of two wings: the male and the female.  So long as these two wings are not equivalent in strength, the bird will not fly.  Until womankind reaches the same degree as man, until she enjoys the same arena of activity, extraordinary attainment for humanity will not be realized; humanity cannot wing its way to heights of real attainment.  When the two wings become equivalent in strength, enjoying the same prerogatives, the flight of man will be exceedingly lofty and extraordinary.”

 

* The Baha’is - a publication of the Office of Public Information of the Baha’i public community:

 

My privileged journey continues the quest to balance spirituality with reality; following the thoughts of Oundlian-Oxonian Richard Dawkins, a famous evolutionary biologist whose fearless discussion on religion is much admired.  Life devoid of prefixes in a box required to tick on forms to conveniently label your ideology is only there for death reasons. We are all one of the same, no division should separate individual ideology.  The mark of respect under one roof should be our humanistic aim.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Saturday, June 3, 2023

THE BLUE NAPKIN

 

In dedication to Patrick Y-Kin Grove 

 

the most precious incalculable gift you have given me, 

treasured beyond words, the story, 

 

The Blue Napkin

 

is written so that when 

Zander, Elvis, EllaGrace and Paxton, 

are struggling through life, questioning your judgement,

in their moment of bad decisions, re-adjust their thinking,

 to understand your limitless empathy, and boundless love, 

through this story

 

 

 

 Sunday afternoon sipping his favorite home-grown Yorkshire tea and biscuit with our eldest 41-year-old son, discussing their beloved subject of soccer, was the best part of his day. In the early years of our married life, I hung on to his every word with pretend excitement about the sport. Even watched the games with him on our first black and white TV, and still could never understand the point of kicking a ball from one end of the field to another. My enjoyment was seeing his excitement of explaining the game to me. I admit it was a deliberate ego-boosting of his masculinity, from an adoring wife, indicative of my Asian upbringing.  With almost 50 years as a team, watching my son and husband animated on a subject of shared enjoyment; the guilt of pretense was replaced by tantalizing homemade scones, with whipped cream and raspberry jam, his favorite comfort food, emphatically discouraged by his diabetes doctor.

 

Moving to a more comfortable armchair to watch the afternoon game on TV, both my son and I witnessed the “widow maker” striking as he clutched his left chest in pain. All three of us knew, without speaking, his face became paler as the pain increased that we just had a 30-minute window to get medical help.   The private hospital was directly opposite our building. That was a conscious choice of condominium when we moved a few years back.  Grabbing my phone simultaneously surveying the Bangkok traffic below, calling the ambulance would be futile.  No words were spoken, instinct took over and our actions, though never rehearsed, went with military precision. We traversed flying buses, speeding motorcycles swerving the six lane traffic, pushing him in a wheelchair, grabbed in haste, that was left by the side of the lift, arriving at the emergency entrance of the Paolo Memorial Hospital all of us gasping for breath.

 

Twenty-two minutes from onset to medical assistance extended his 2% chance of survival for a 79-year-old man, medically known as Myocardial Infarction of the heart, for an extra three months.  That gift of ninety days turned into the most vital acceptance of mortality by all three of us. Fifty years of waking up together, eating together, crying together, laughing together, we used the time wisely and learned from the extraordinary events: the notorious six lane traffic came to an unusual respectful stop, the appearance of a wheelchair from no-where; owner unknown, the senior cardiac surgeon about to go home, got pinged as he started his car, the Covid19 test required before hospital admittance became the secondary step. Instead, the balance of life, judged by an emergency intern, deserved his “Summa Cum Laude"  that day.  It was God’s magic, giving time to ease our acceptance of death.  

 

The four medical team from heart, lung, kidneys, and psychiatry did their utmost to regain the blocked artery to its optimum level, balanced the kidney and kept pneumonia at bay; and the optimistic patient was determined to do his part to quickly recover. The daily blood tests, x-rays and oxygen levels, physical rehabilitation gave way from elation mixed with despair.  Inspired by unknown factors, he insisted that we reminisce about the 50 years together in increments of five years.  It was his wisdom to soften my loss that was inevitable, instructing me as always to bravely stand tall, continue to connect with those he loved and respected; and in doing so, I will feel he was still around.  

 

 

In his aversion of modern technology that had multiple functions like the iPhone, where he thinks good mannered listeners should allow conversations to flow, only to be promptly stopped, so that the ignorant know-all could check on Google for accuracy.  Therefore, to my surprise he asked me to switch the recording App on my phone, so that I could document our conversations whenever I needed his wisdom to help me through once he departed. Quite proud of his progressive thinking, I now have hours of our magical conversations taped.  Although a year has passed, today’s first anniversary of 3 June 2023, my loss still weighs heavily, and as strong as I am now, just hearing his voice would unhinge my soul to pieces.

 

As the body organs deteriorated, by comparison, the brain was sharp as a razor blade.   Every day, without fail, I would sit with him from early morning to late evening, going over our highs and lows, embracing love and forgiveness.   He even surprised me of his memory in reciting the whole of Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice for two hours verbatim.  He remembered every single line, and as my curiosity judged his knowledge and capabilities; like other know-alls, I grabbed my phone, searched google for the pdf version of the play; Apple charged me 2.50 by which time I scrambled to catch up as he was already in Act 2 Scene 3.  A teasing wink, letting me know he didn't categorize me like those ill-mannered, ignorant fools. Astounded by this gift I never knew he possessed, there was a glimmer of hope that flashed and was gone in a minute.

 

On one of the mornings, holding hands, lying on his hospital bed, acknowledging his last 48 hours. He had an epiphany; talking non-stop, competing with the oxygen intake he quickly told me something which was incredibly cool.

 

He made me get two napkins.  Me being me, raised my eyebrows, in the usual irritable wifely response.  I pulled some tissues from the nearby Kleenex box. He was insistent that I find the right kind of paper napkin.  He told me he saw them at the opposite end of the ward, it was far, the length of a football field where the doctors held their morning meetings.  I was surprised as he had been bedridden for some time, was on a lot of drugs, how did he know the whereabouts of these napkins; his mental capacity was questionable.  He complained that last night the  nurse had turned off the lights and the room was dark.  He was only able to see his way back because Sara’s favorite yellow daffodils were in bloom, shone the way.  I had read somewhere that when death approaches, there includes an out of body experience.  

 

I pulled a face.  Annoyed and cranky “just go and find it woman!”  I found the colored paper napkins – blue and green, exactly where he told me.  Pulling the swinging hospital eating-tray close, proceeded to unveil his knowledge from another universe.

 

He put the two napkins side by side, representing me, the green napkin; and him, the blue napkin as when we met.  Then he folded the napkins in half and connected it side by side, two halves making a whole napkin.   He explained that two people in love, from two tribes, joining together as a unit, doing it as successfully as we did, required binding ourselves as one. Tricky as he was the guest of the country and I, the ignorant native, having followed my father's extended diplomatic overseas postings, didn’t know my own country. We achieved that unit of one and did so without ever losing our individuality. In turn, what we gained was one hundred percent loyalty necessary in our unusual union.

 

He insisted that bi-racial marriage was ridiculed repeatedly from centuries ago, especially in colonized countries and nationalistic Thai’s were no exception.  He was aware of Thai and ex-pat community envy, some derisory remarks, but didn’t care for his love was unbreakable.  

 

The first seven years together, early 1970’s before our posting to Guam, every week, American GI’s flooded all the massage parlors popping up like mushrooms on New Petchburi Road, right by his office, the Land Rover division of Butler and Webster. The US troops on their week of R&R before going back to kill some more, needed to procreate, and smoke weed to fuzz out reality. I suffered the ‘Thai weekend wife syndrome’ perceived by those hiding their own questionable behavior.  Peripheral attempts to disregard the veiled kind acceptance, eventually enough subsequent remarks stung, and my sarcasm surfaced. Not a good scenario, but necessary to preserve my dignity.

 

Ten years older than me, joking aside, he was obviously the wiser half of the napkin.  Therefore, as a unit, we had to take control of society’s rules and live the opposite, to ensure we would not be blindsided by perceived principles.   Our simple rule was we, as a couple, came first before anything or anyone else.  Employers, Thai family/UK family or even our children would come second. I was judged through the years as ungrateful by my siblings, selfish by our friends and even suggestions of parental irresponsibility. Don’t know if the kids ever felt short-changed, I’m sure they did, observing them as adults now, immense pride over takes any guilt.  We stuck by our commitments willingly and never once gave up when things were tough.

 

Coming back to the folded napkin, he said, when he dies, (dramatically throws his blue napkin as it flies to the floor) unfolds my napkin, bringing my full self to the table.  He said, “Remember it was folded at 19 years of age, bring it up to speed, easily done through your own maturation” And then making his point loud and clear, “emerge as the new formidable you we built together, on your own terms.” clearing his throat,  “No second guesses, you won’t have me to bounce your thoughts; and by the way, that was a cop-out on your part,” coughing as he laughed; teasing me as he scolded.

 

The loss of a life partner, from that moment, as I held his hand and watched the blood drain from his fingertips, the grey tone replaced the pink vibrancy of life, the mask appears, indicative that the spirit had left, as his eyes glazed over.  My son reaches over to close the lids and the heart monitors’ flat line continued together with the machine’s alarm indicating what I already knew. A replay of many movies on hospital dramas, cannot replicate the stillness, amongst the noisy alarms.  The only exaggerated sound was the nasal cannula, programmed in dispensing oxygen at its highest speed when it detects no suction activity, as the lungs no longer functioned.  I could have easily curled into a ball as the pain was immeasurable of wanting to join him.  As I gathered the strength to call the nurse, at the corner of my eye, on the floor, was the crumpled blue napkin that he ceremonially threw into the air a few days before, stuck to the wheel of the bed as they moved him back to the ICU and alongside, my own napkin, miraculously opened. Mystical and magical.  

 

Well, here I am a year later.  Not drowning in widowhood drama. Everyday achieving a set of goals placed the night before, emerging stronger, dignified with grace and gratitude.  I was given a gift of time, only few are rewarded, and my appreciation is boundless. My forward-thinking napkin quietly repairing the heartache of loss, filling my soul to remain present as Grandma Tups, leveling my expectations that the gate is nearer and in doing so teaching and showing me the dignity of life and, also the dignity in death.

 

 

Sunday, April 30, 2023

OF EROS AND DEMONS



THE ULTIMATE SUPPER







 

“What hangs on your wall says so much more

 about you than you know.”

 

To own “The Ultimate Supper” requires massive wall space of any penthouse living room whether in New York, a chateau in Paris or a castle in Windsor.  Such refined sophistication with purchasing power and a risqué mindset describes a potential custodian.



The Ultimate Supper, divulges the passion of its creator.  Depicting Eros, the Greek mythology God of love and sex, the painting conjures the spirituality that makes up her soul.  Upon the first glimpse of this painting, it exposes the fine art collector’s secret sexual desire projecting from within, meant hidden to others, but visible through the wonton  longing and promiscuous gaze.  



Knowledge of Greek Mythology nor Roman theology are required to absorb such storytelling on a canvas.  But it does take a special old soul to produce such depiction of human salacious behavior and connects to the soul of the admirer and collector, as we are all species made up of the many flavors from sweet, spicy, sour to regurgitating acidity.  



It's creator, a mixture of Armenian-Danish Persian background thrusting her ancient artistic mastery into the millennial world of 2023; is a rare commodity where the world’s bombardment of Artificial Intelligence, convincing Generation X, that less effort by humans produces excellent results.  Artistic excellence only derives from no other than invasion and exploration of her own soul matched with a disciplined mindset.   



Unless Elizabeth Romhild is capturing an audience on a social level or equally an extension of her corporate husbands’ business involvement, her seductress side is well hidden portrayed only on canvas. As a storyteller this is what Eros and Demons are about.  It is the story of fourteen character’s indulgence in good and evil, portraying lust and gluttony. 


Imagine yourself as a voyeur; midday sunbeam picking out dust settling on other canvases around the studio waiting to dry, the unmistakable smell of linseed oil mixed with turpentine solvent permeates the room. A sip of Chardonnay gives an ability to hover above her and follow the brush as the frontal cortex adjusts the electrical impulses that explode in tune with Mozart’s Requiem, injecting the room with someone else’s creation, guiding the soul to heaven. It is this heritage composition bestowed to the world, many centuries earlier, that seduces Elizabeth’s creativity like no one else can.  



The story unfolds.

 

The sketching’s are transferred onto a half moon-shape canvas, the width of  160 x 300cm  dominates the eye-line and each character brings their own story of playful  salacious lust.



There’s Satyr, in Greek mythology, a male creature with ears and tails resembling a horse with a permanent exaggerated erection.   He centers the canvas seduced with two cherries.  Above is the Khon holding his hands with ‘Fatima Eye’ keeping evil spirits away. The interpretation of the Hansa, a palm-shaped amulet popular throughout the Middle East, depicting an eye of conscience.  Many faces of Mary Magdalena epitomized from prostitute to sibyl, from mystic to nun; and even viewed as a feminist icon. 



It leaves the thought that the life journey of this painting, hung on different walls, of various owners, centuries from now, will undoubtedly still carry Elizabeth’s spirit.  Emotions  trapped through droplets of controversial energy coating the first layer, gastronomic indulgence splatters several layers  and sexual urgings deposited, cover the entire canvas; making Eros and Demons, Elizabeth’s creation engaging and alive wherever it dwells.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

Monday, October 18, 2021

2021 APPROACHING 2022




                                           Ominous era or Halcyon days ahead?

 


Around the world, it seems a force has taken the earth in hand, power-shook it, leaving all the humans scrambling for cover, some make it, some get swallowed into such horrific unfathomable end. Cities flood, high-rise topples, earthquake cracks, volcanoes erupt. Scientists explain the possibility that sun flares interfere with earth’s atmosphere creating energetic force affecting radio and navigational tools.The energy then converts the force to transform and manifests itself in disproportionate human failings.

 

A reminder of what transpired in the last two years, in case you were held-up on Mars or Jupiter with no access to inter-galactical communication:

 

This is only a small slice of what happened between 2020-2021.   Myanmar dictatorship flourishes killing its own people who disagrees; US republicans attempted a coup; Oldest health-declining US President elected; France backstabbed on submarine deal; Thai democracy crumbling; British Royalty evading lawsuit of underage sexual activity; British King-to-be, accused of taking cash-for-knighthood/citizenship, masking payment for honoring the Prince’s Trust charity; Taliban terrorism re-emerge, Economic meltdowns across continents, Islamic Sunnis vs Shiite vying for dominance.  US cowardly turning away from 20 yrs of terrorist protection from Taliban’s terror.  This is just a snippet from a two-year world diary. 

 

Between August 2020 to October 2021 sun flares erupted. Some blame the tiny crown-shape virus mistakenly spilled, or intentionally produced, creating a domino effect creating mistrust, control, while money making opportunities for those in authority multiply.  Powerfully rich entrepreneurs saw a way of racing in a rocket three times the speed of sound or 2,300 miles per hour enabling the possibility of finding a new world.

 


Controlling a pandemic requires authoritarian governments to close boarders, restrict movements and instill questionable rules in preventing death, punishable in some countries, of jail sentences.  In certain destination, their economy relies on tourism. The meaning of tourism combines rest, discovery, exoticism plus opportunities of new businesses  came to a grinding halt after the shutdown, causing fractures along societies. 

 

 

Does this mean a long apocalyptic time to refix and recover what is, irretrievable?   

 


 

For sure, it will never be the same ever again.  

 

 

 

Just the basic change alters many aspects of how we conduct our lives.

 

 

Mask wearing:     

 

People recognition more challenging when only eyes are visible.

Audio deciphering muffled words require repetition.

Oxygen depletion increases ongoing conversation.

 

Physical contact: 

 

Hand-shakes, western physical greetings, social spacing – all prohibited

Sharing food or utensils changes behavioral patterns

Constant hand cleaning becomes an obsession bordering on disorder 

 

Mental issues checked :

 

Intermittent social isolation causes anxiety and depression

Long term social isolation extrapolates onto suicides

Inability to recommence close friendships

 

These are highly sensitive issues that must be considered and weighed up.  However angry the sun shoots these flares, or whatever happened in clinical trials of accidental droppings or invention of the virus with intent to kill, we must conduct our lives with care and start to live. 

 

Whether its floods, earthquakes, building collapse, governments fail, royalty oversteps boundaries, unkept promises; is it not true that with every apocalyptic era brings about fine art and beauty?  

 

 


                 Or something in between.